The Rob Ford Test


Clues help us know who is bad. 1. If a person has smoked crack-cocaine, they are bad. (See Rob Ford.) 2. If they have ingested cocaine, less bad. (See Obama.) 3. If they drink alcohol, good. (See The Pope.) This might not be enough, sure, but we have other clues. 4. If a person has broken a law, bad person. 5. Clean record? Good person. 6. Drops out of high school: Bad. 7. Graduates high school: Good. 8. Graduates post-secondary: Better. 9. White: Good. 10. Non-white: Depends. 11. Tattooed man: Good. 12. Tattooed woman: Slut. 13. Listens to music, normal. 14. Doesn’t, soulless. 15. Works in maintenance, construction, hotel? Alright. 16. Police officer? Outstanding. 17. Firefighter? Perfect: The perfect person. Perfect people in a society give bad people goals on who they should try to become. (It isn’t easy to live a meaningful life if without a path to guide you.) Tradition is the foundation of our society- the root of problems in marriage, racism, sexism, the environment, etc, but the point is that tradition keeps our values intact like nothing else could. If Our Values fall apart, our society will collapse. People who grew up on this land know what it means to be from here: To like certain foods, to discuss the weather, to appreciate spending time with your family. (Where else would they understand that?) Test: Let’s say we had a mayor of our civilized country caught smoking crack-cocaine, what would we say? That’s right: Bad person: We wouldn’t need to focus on the question: Bad person. We could spend more time focusing on important things that week, like the partnership by those two western premiers to sell the environment, or, well, the fact that real-impending-nuclear-doom-cold-war-style is a serious possibility for you today as a nuclear reactor sinks in Japan. (No jokes.) And so this story might never get read, let alone commented on: There might not be enough time to figure out who is bad and who is good no matter how important it is*

colour by Diego Penuela
words by Liam Lachance

This is a work of satire.    


Author: Word and Colour

words inspired by colour

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